I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
