New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
