This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
