Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
