gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
