she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
