She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
