the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
