If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize