I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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