DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
