A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
