you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
