his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
