Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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