Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
