she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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