I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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