Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
