ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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