why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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