he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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