I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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