I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
