Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
