i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
