So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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