Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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