someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
