You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
