Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
