so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
