my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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