I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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