Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
