it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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