you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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