How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
