when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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