Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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