I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
