i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
