Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
