I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
