If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
