Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
