one might say we're banned from that church
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize