I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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