you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
