the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
