I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
