I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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