Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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