me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
