I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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