My liver just broke up with me...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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