WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
