mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
