meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
