I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
