Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize