I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
