his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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