wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
