guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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