i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
