Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
